


Filled With Flowers

by QueenTrickster



Category: Jacksepticeye RPF, Markiplier RPF, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Aromantic Character(s), Character Death, Flower Language, Grieving, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Suicide mention, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 11:09:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5826268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenTrickster/pseuds/QueenTrickster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love. It's supposed to be something beautiful. But sometimes life just doesn't work that way. </p>
<p>Mark and Jack are friends. Best friends. They both think that they'll be best friends forever. But sometimes life just doesn't work that way. </p>
<p>When Jack realises he is in love with Mark his life starts to fall apart and he will do everything to keep Mark from discovering the truth. </p>
<p>Even if that means he will have to suffer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Filled With Flowers

**Author's Note:**

> rejoice for the queen of angst and suffering has returned

A beam of sunlight crept over Jack's sleeping face as he lay on Mark’s couch after their movie night. Together they had watched terrible horror movies until they had grown tired of it. After that they had talked about their lives, their dreams, everything and nothing until both of them had fallen asleep in the early morning.

 

Now the sunlight reached Jack’s eyes and woke him up. His eyes fluttered open and closed immediately after, blocking out the bright light shining in them as a soft yawn escaped his mouth. Jack opened his eyes again, in a squint this time, and gasped when he saw Mark's face only inches away from his.

 

Mark was still sleeping, his eyes closed with the light shining on the lower half of his face. His long lashes rested on his cheek and freckles dotted his skin. Mark looked liked the living version of a statue made by some Ancient Greek sculptor. Jack couldn't help but think that he was beautiful.

 

Without Jack realising it he reached out to touch his friend's face, to trace those freckles like constellations.  Then he blinked and he saw his own hand, his own fingers, so close to Mark's skin, so close to contact. His heartbeat quickened in a panic and Jack yanked back his hand.

 

He had wanted to touch Mark's face.

 

Jack quickly got up from the couch, widening the gap between him and Mark. But he wanted to be closer. His hands started to tremble and he knew that he had to get away from his sleeping friend.

 

Shaking, Jack walked over to the bathroom, trying to move fast without making noise. He had to avoid waking Mark at all costs.

 

Once inside he closed the door and took a deep breath. He sank on the floor, his back leaning against the door and his hands covering his face. Jack took another shaky breath, his whole body trembling with realisation.

 

He was in love. And he was in love with Mark. It was so obvious now that he had realised it, how could it have taken him so long to see?

 

Jack laughed at his own stupidity but then his laugh turned into a painful cough and he doubled over. Waves of pain washed over him as he tried to breathe and he covered his mouth with his hand to silence the coughs.

After what seemed like an eternity the coughs finally subsided and he lowered his hand. As he lowered it a flash of pink and orange caught his eye. When he realised what it was an ice cold shiver ran down his spine.

 

Petals. Little pink and orange flower petals.

 

"Fuck," Jack muttered to himself. "Fuck!" Louder this time, he had almost forgotten that Mark was still sleeping in the living room. He clenched his hand into a fist and hit the tiled floor, his eyes filling with tears.

"Of course," he whispered, "Of course. Mark can't be in love with me. He just can't."

He closed his eyes, hoping it would prevent his tears from falling. "I'm fucked. I'm just straight up fucked." He opened his hand again to look at the crushed petals. They meant that his love was unrequited, they meant his death sentence.

 

"Jack? Where are you?" Mark called out and his voice shook Jack out of his trance and he scrambled up.

 

"I'm in the bathroom, just washing up!" he yelled back. He hoped that his voice hadn't wavered, that Mark didn't think that something was wrong.

 

Jack quickly wrapped the flower petals up in toilet paper and flushed them away. Now Mark wouldn’t be able to see them. He walked over to the sink to splash his face with cold water, hoping it would wash away the tears that had not yet fallen.

He looked up into the mirror and tried to smile. It looked forced and terrible with worries hiding behind his eyes. Jack tried it again and this time it looked a little better. The next minute or so he spend practicing smiling until he could show Mark at least a semi decent smile. He just had to get home soon and then he would be alright.

 

Jack closed his eyes and took a deep breath, bracing himself to see Mark. He put a smile on his face and looked into the mirror one last time. He nodded at his reflection and turned around. He was ready to face Mark. At least he hoped so.

 

"There you are!" Mark said with a broad smile as soon as Jack came out of the bathroom and it felt like a knife in Jack's heart. "What took you so long? Had to take a big shit or something?"

 

"Something like that," Jack replied with a weak smile, avoiding Mark's eyes, "But, uh, I gotta head home soon. There's something I have to do."

 

Mark's smile fell and Jack felt his own smile twitch. "But I thought you had said that we could spend today together?" Mark said with a disappointed expression.

 

"Ah yeah, sorry about that," Jack said, clenching his fists as he put them behind his back so Mark wouldn't see them trembling, "I forgot all about it. Only remembered it when I was in the bathroom. I'm really sorry." He laughed weakly. "But I'm sure I got a free day somewhere in my schedule, we can spend the day together then."

 

"Oh. Okay. That's okay I guess. Nothing you can do about it."

 

"I'm really sorry, Mark. And I gotta hurry, too," he apologized as he put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket, "I'll make up for it next time, I'll buy you a present!"

 

"Wait," Mark said, grabbing his arm as his hand landed on the handle of the front door, "Do you, do you have to leave now? I mean, you can’t even have breakfast here?"

 

"No, sorry, I really have to hurry," Jack replied. His cheeks started to hurt from fake smiling and he shook off Mark's hand to open the door.

 

"Are, are you alright?" Mark asked as Jack with a worried expression on his face.

 

"Yes, yes, I am totally fine. Nothing to worry about, just in a bit of a hurry, haha," Jack rambled, walking out of the door and closing it behind him. He didn't look back at Mark who stood forlorn in the hallway.

Once Mark could no longer see him his smile disappeared from his face. Jack hurried to his car, forcing himself to walk instead of run. He just wanted to be home already.

 

~o0o~

 

The moment Jack got home another coughing fit overtook him and he collapsed onto his knees, his whole body shaking. With every cough flower petals flew out of his mouth, a storm of orange and pink. Along with the last cough a small flower fell onto the floor and Jack fell next to it, exhausted and still in pain.

 

Gasping, he lay on the ground, desperate to catch his breath. He coughed again as the last petals left his body. Air filled his lungs; he finally felt like he could breathe again. Jack remained on the ground for another minute or so, just breathing, before he got up. Dizziness overcame him and he stumbled back, seeking support from the wall.

 

After a long time the dizziness disappeared and he walked over to the petals lying on the ground. With care he picked up the lone flower and studied it.

 

It was a small one, smaller even than the palm his hand and not yet fully opened. The petals were yellow and oblong shaped, becoming smaller and smaller near the centre of the flower. It looked just like any good old regular flower to Jack. He almost couldn't believe that it had come out of him.

 

But it had and that terrified him. Slowly, Jack walked over to his computer and turned it on. He went to google and typed in just one word into the search bar.

 

_Hanahaki_

 

It was something he had learned about during high school but he had never paid much attention in class. It didn’t help that he had forgotten most things about high school either.

 

And he had never thought that it would happen to him.

 

The results appeared on the screen and he clicked the first link and started to read.

 

    _Hanahaki: A disease that affects people who are experiencing an unrequited love. The person who is in love will start coughing up flowers and petals. In some cases flowers will fall from their mouth while talking. This especially happens when the conversation topic is the person they are in love with.  
    _ _Hanahaki has roughly three stages, the first stage are light coughing fits with small amounts of petals being coughed up. The second stage involves violent and painful coughing fits. During this stage large quantities of petals and even flowers are being coughed up. The third and last stage is a non-stop coughing fit with flowers and petals falling from the mouth constantly. This stage will eventually lead to death._    

   

Jack closed his eyes, unable to read any further. He had hoped he was wrong, that he didn't remember it right but there it was, his death sentence.

 

"Fuck. Fuck!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the table as tears fell from his eyes.

 

"Fuck," he half whispered, half sobbed. Through his tears he looked at the screen and saw one word that filled him with the hope that maybe he wouldn't die. _Cure_. His eyes snapped to the word and he started reading again, his heart beating faster with hope.

 

    _There are two ways to cure hanahaki. The first cure is simple. If the person's love becomes requited hanahaki will disappear and they are cured._

   

Jack cursed, Mark would never fall in love with him. But there was still the second option, there was still hope.

 

    _The second cure is a surgery that will remove all the flowers and petals from the body. However, not only is this a major surgery but as the petals and flowers leave the body the patient's memories of the person they love will also disappear. This causes some people to refuse to take surgery because they don't want to lose their memories._

   

Jack stopped reading, his breathing becoming ragged as the tears started to flow again. So it was either die or lose Mark forever, he thought. He couldn't do that. He just couldn't. Forgetting all the moments he shared with Mark... No. He couldn't give that up. He’d rather die. Mark meant so much to him, he couldn't forget him. Yes, he really would rather die.     

 

"Fuck," Jack sobbed, "I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shit. I don't want to die. I--, I want to live and see Mark smile. Watch more stupid movies with him, joke with him, see him. Fuck. Why did I have to fall in love with him? I am so stupid."

 

The tears were falling freely now and he hugged himself in an attempt to find some kind of comfort.

 

"I'm gonna die. That's just what's gonna happen. Well, I always knew I would die. It's just a lot sooner than I expected. No big problem. Haha."

He had started to cry with loud sobs that shook his whole body when he got another coughing fit.

 

All the thoughts of dying soon disappeared out of his mind; they got replaced with pain instead. His whole body tensed as he coughed up the petals and flowers. So many flowers, much more than during the last coughing fit, and every single one of them hurt so much.

 

Jack cried through the entire thing, sobbing as he tried to breathe but the petals and flowers just kept coming. He thought he was going to die already but then the coughing finally stopped.

 

It took him a long time to calm down, the crying had made everything so much worse. Even when he had finally quietened the tears were still falling.

 

"Everything is just so fucked up," he mumbled to himself and he grabbed his phone, "everything is fucked."

 

His finger hovered over the call button but then he threw his phone away and he heard the screen shatter.

 

"No, no, I can't call anyone. I can't let them know. They, they will just worry about me too much. I will just die by myself. Unloved," his voice cracked, "unloved and alone. I will be the only one that will suffer. Yes. That is how it should go. All by myself. I guess I deserve that."

 

He started laughing maniacally, tears still rolling down his face.

 

When he stopped, exhaustion overtook him, both emotionally and physically.

 

"I'm gonna die," he whispered one more time and then he fell asleep in his seat.

 

~o0o~

 

Jack awoke a few hours later, still exhausted. His eyes hurt from crying so much and his whole body was stiff from sleeping in a chair and from the coughing fits. He blinked, not yet wanting to wake up. There was something terrible waiting for him. He couldn't remember what but it was bad, very bad, that he still did remember.

 

"Oh yeah," he said out loud when it hit him, "I am in love with Mark and I am going to die soon. Great."

 

He no longer wanted to think about it. He had already thought about it enough before he fell asleep, and his gaze fell on his computer which was still on.

 

"Ah. Guess I have to turn that off," he mumbled.

 

But before Jack did so he saw the article about hanahaki and saw that he hadn't read the whole thing yet.

 

"This disease is gonna kill me, might as well read up on it," he decided as he looked for the part he hadn't read yet. As soon as he started reading he paled.

 

    _Untreated hanahaki commonly kills the person affected within two to three weeks after they cough up their first fully formed flower. This is the start of the second stage. From this point on the coughing fits will increase in intensity and violence. The duration of the coughing fits will also become longer and longer until stage three is reached. Once stage three is reached one has 24 to 48 hours left to live.  
    __However, during the third stage it is still possible to be cured. An emergency operation can be scheduled for people who suffer from hanahaki. The risk of the patient dying when treated in such a developed stage is 40 to 60%._

     

Trembling, Jack closed the window and turned off his computer. Two to three weeks, those words burned inside his mind yet his brain hadn't fully processed them.

 

"Two to three weeks."

 

Even when he said it out loud it still didn't sound real. It didn't feel as if those words had anything to do with him.

 

He threw his head back and laughed. If anyone had seem him, they would've thought he was insane because tears were also running down his face.

 

His laughter was abruptly stopped by another coughing fit. As Jack coughed, more flowers than ever landed on the floor. Beautiful pink and orange flowers with oblong shaped petals.

 

They would destroy Jack.

 

~o0o~

 

A week had passed since Jack had coughed up his first petals back at Mark's place. Since then the coughing fits had become longer and more violent. Every time there would be more flowers and petals on the floor than the last.

 

He rarely left the house anymore. When he did, he would wear a mouth mask so that if any petals would fall from his mouth no one would notice.

 

Jack also hadn't contacted anyone in a week. He had just cut it all off. If he saw or talked to his family and friends while being like this he would end up telling them. Jack wanted anything but that. He would die alone and in silence with nobody knowing that he had hanahaki and that was exactly how he wanted it.

 

Right now Jack was coming back from one of his rare grocery store trips. With his mask pulled down so he could breathe easier, he shuffled up the stairs to his apartment. He let out a short and bitter laugh, it had only been one week and he already had problems with walking up the stairs. Hanahaki was eating him from the inside out, making him weaker everyday.

 

Finally, with a loud huff, he reached the top of the stairs and saw someone with raven black hair standing in front of his door. Jack froze. What the fuck was Mark doing here?

 

He wanted to turn around and walk away, where to didn't matter as long as it wasn't anywhere near Mark. But it was already too late, Mark had noticed him.

 

"Jack!" he called out and Jack cringed, wishing that he could just disappear. Anything would be better than facing Mark. But he did not disappear and Mark was walking towards him, his expression worried.

 

"Jack, where have you been?" he said as he grabbed his friend's shoulder, "I have been worried sick about you, you know? You didn’t pick up your phone, weren't on any social media. Not even any videos on youtube. You, you were just... gone."

 

Jack just avoided Mark's eyes and didn't say anything. It is better like this, he told himself.

 

"Jack, please," Mark begged, his voice cracking and Jack clenched his fists, "please talk to me. Did I do something wrong? I--, I'm sorry if I did, okay? But please, talk to me! I miss you..."

 

"I..." Jack trembled, clenching his fists even harder, nails digging into his skin. He was on the verge of telling Mark everything. He wanted to tell Mark everything. Maybe, just maybe, everything would hurt less if he did. But he stopped himself. He wouldn't tell Mark. He couldn't. It was his burden to bear.

 

Somewhere from deep within he managed to find a smile and he beamed it at Mark.

 

"You have nothing to worry about! I just had some terrible flu for a week and I couldn't do shit! Today is the first day I'm actually feeling okay," he said in a fake cheerful voice. Jack even managed to look Mark in the eyes, his nails digging into his skin hard enough to draw blood.

 

Mark searched his face for clues, his doubt clear, but Jack kept on smiling, kept the corners of his mouth from shaking.

 

"Oh. Well," Mark said after a long time, "If that was it you should have messaged me. I was worried about you. And man, that must have been one devastating flu, you look like you've lost ten pounds!"

 

Jack's smile almost faltered. What Mark had said was closer to the truth than he liked-- since he had started coughing up petals and flowers, he had lost a lot of weight.

 

"Yeah, I know right! A bit longer and you would've weighed twice as much as me. But seriously, thank you for coming by, Mark! I--," the rest of his sentence died on his lips as his eyes widened in horror. As soon as Mark's name had left his mouth a small amount of petals had fallen from his lips.

 

Suddenly he remembered a sentence from the article about hanahaki.

 

_In some cases flowers will fall from their mouth while talking. This especially happens when the conversation topic is the person they are in love with._

 

With lightning speed he yanked up his mask to cover his mouth and looked at Mark to see if he had noticed the petals.

 

Somehow he didn't seem to have noticed anything and Jack thanked all the gods he could think of. But just because Mark hadn't noticed yet didn't mean he wouldn't if he kept talking to Jack. He had to get out of there.

 

"But yeah," he said, his voice a little bit high for it to be normal and he could feel the petals flutter against his mask and lips, "I am fine! I'm still not fully recovered though and I don't want to get you sick either so you should leave. I will call you later."

 

He was practically pushing Mark to the stairs but with his weakened strength he couldn't do much and Mark didn't seem willing to leave. Instead he stared at Jack and Jack felt his eye twitch.

 

"Are you," Mark said slowly, eyes still trained on Jack, "Are you sure that you are okay?"

 

"Yes, yes, totally fine," he replied quickly and he felt his mask getting filled up with petals, "just, just go home. I'm fine."

 

Mark was still looking at him and he twitched nervously. He wished Mark would stop doing that and just leave.

 

"No," Mark said, his voice low as he softly grabbed Jack's wrist, "I don't think you're okay. Tell me what's going on, Jack."

 

A surge of panic went down his spine and he tried to pull his wrist free but Mark's grip was too strong for him.

 

"It's nothing, I swear!" he tried, his breathing getting ragged and he looked everywhere but at Mark, "You should go home!"

 

"I'm not leaving."

 

"You should go home," Jack repeated desperately.

 

"Jack--," Mark started but he got interrupted.

 

"Just go home, Mark!" he yelled, "I don't want you here!"

 

It was as if his words electrified Mark. As soon as they had left Jack’s lips, Mark let go of his wrist and stepped back, his expression hurt.

 

"Yeah! I--, I don't want you here, Mark. I don't need you!" Jack lashed out, and it felt as if he got stabbed with a knife when he saw the hurt in Mark's eyes. Not even the coughing fits had hurt this much.

 

His lips trembled and he almost told Mark the truth but it was already too late.

"If that is what you want," Mark said defeated. He turned around and began walking away, his shoulders slumped.

 

The knife got twisted around and Jack reached out for Mark but he stopped himself. His hand fell down to his side, fingers twitching.

 

Jack watched his friend go in silence, only the sound of Mark's heavy steps echoing through the hallway could be heard. Then he turned around to the stairs and disappeared out of Jack's sight. Not once had he looked back.

 

Jack stood alone in the hallway for what felt like hours, hoping for Mark to come back but he did not return. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

 

He turned towards his door and unlocked it with shaking hands. Once inside, he collapsed on the floor and tears started to stream down his face. With difficulty he pulled off his mask and a sea of petals fluttered to the ground.

 

Looking at the petals he remembered the look on Mark's face as Jack had yelled at him and anger washed over him. He just wanted to burn the flowers that grew inside of him, and, for a short moment, wanted that he had never fallen in love with Mark.

 

At that moment his body started to spasm as another coughing fit started to overtake him. Flower after flower fell from his lips, each accompanied by dozens of petals.

"Mark," he cry-whispered in between his coughs, "please help me. I love you. Please, please, please. Don't leave me. I don't want to die."

 

The coughs grew even more painful and he doubled over, not even able to speak anymore. His lungs felt like they were filled with thorns and flames.

 

When the coughing finally ended Jack was exhausted and barely conscious. He whispered Mark's name one more time and then passed out.

 

~o0o~

 

Jack sat curled up against the wall of his bedroom with all the lights out. He clutched his phone, slowly rocking back and forth as he suppressed the urge to call anyone.

 

A day had passed since Mark had come by to check up on him and he had never felt so miserable in his life. Once he had woken up from his coughing fit he hadn't been able to stop himself from picking up his phone and reading every single message that Mark had sent him since he had left Mark's house after their movie night. Through the cracked screen Jack had barely been able to read the messages but they still broke his heart. He would cry if he could but he felt like he was all out of tears.

 

    _Hey! Hope you got that thing done you forgot about! I had a lot of fun yesterday so hope to see you soon :)_

   

    _Haven't heard from you in a few days but I guess you're just busy. Hit me up when you get time!_   

   

   _Jack you ok? Haven't seen you online or heard from you. I'm getting a little worried... Send me a message soon, ok?_   

   

    _Are you okay? Please let me know if you are?_  

   

   _Jack, please. I'm really worried_

   

   _You can always call me if you need me, you know that, right?_   

   

    _I'm stopping by tomorrow, okay? I really need to know if you are okay! Hopefully I'm just overreacting and you just forgot that the internet existed for a few days haha. Hope you're ok._    

   

    _I'm getting into my car now so see you soon? Please be okay..._

   

He just kept staring at the texts. He wished he could cry, that would feel better than this but he couldn't.

 

"Mark," he whispered to the empty room, a few petals falling from his lips.

 

Suddenly his loud ringtone filled the room and Jack jumped up, almost dropping his phone in shock.

 

"Jesus fucking," he mumbled and he instinctively looked down to see who was calling.

 

The screen said _Felix_ in crooked white letters, messed up by the cracks. Jack froze, one part of him longed to answer the call, to hear his friend's voice. But another part feared that he would mess up, that he would tell Felix.

 

For a moment he was torn but then, almost automatically, he brought up the phone to his ear and answered the call.

"He--, Hello?" He stammered.

 

"Hey Jack, it's me!" Felix said cheerfully.

 

"Hey," he answered, not knowing what else to say.

 

"Didn't hear anything from you in a while, you okay?" Felix asked.

 

"I'm fine," Jack said but his voice cracked and his hands started to shake.

 

"You don't sound fine to me," Felix said casually.

 

"No, really, I'm fine," Jack tried again. I just need some distraction, he thought, I just need to get my mind off things.

 

"Well, that's not what I heard from Mark, he--,"

 

"You talked with Mark?" Jack said, interrupting Felix and he started to shake more when he saw a few petals flutter down after mentioning Mark. What if Mark had noticed the petals when they had talked and told Felix about it? What if Mark knew?

 

Felix started talking and Jack closed his eyes, preparing himself for the worst.

 

"Yeah, we talked a few days ago. Said that you hadn't replied to any of his messages and that he was thinking of checking up on you. Did something happen with him?"

 

"No--, I--, Mark," Jack tried, "Mark came to visit but I didn't see him, I was out grocery shopping. He left behind a note though."

 

"So, have you messaged him yet?" Felix asked.

 

"I have been pretty busy, you're lucky I could answer your call. Mark--," when he said that name dozens of petals fell from his mouth and Jack started to shake so badly that he had to sit down.

 

"I fucked up, Felix. I am in love with Mark," he whispered, more petals falling into his lap.

 

"But--, that," Felix stammered at a loss for words, "what?"

 

"I am in love with Mark. I messed it all up. I fell in love with someone who will never be able to love me back.

 

"There, there is just no hope. He is aromantic so he won't fall in love with me. I have no chance, that's just how it is. And I don't even blame him for it, y'know? I love everything about him, even the fact that he is aromantic.

 

"God, I just love him so much, Felix. So much. Hah, I really fucked up. Why is he so cute and so handsome and so perfect? Why did I have to fall in love with him?"

 

During his little rant about Mark his lap had become covered in petals and Jack closed his eyes to shut them out.

 

"Wait, Jack," Felix said, "slow down. You're in love? With Mark?"

 

"Yes," he answered, his eyes still closed.

 

"But--, Jack, does, does that mean? Are you--, are you one of the people who got hanahaki?" Felix asked concerned.

 

Jack let out a shaky breath.

 

"Yes," he whispered.

 

"How long--," Felix tried but he couldn't ask what he wanted to.

 

"I have about a week left," Jack said, answering Felix's unasked question.

 

"Jack, Mark won't fall in love but there is surgery, right? You should get that! If you go to the hospital now you can still be saved," Felix rambled, shaken by Jack's confession.

 

"I can't," Jack said slowly, "I can't get the surgery."

 

"Why not? Jack, you will die if you don't get it."

 

"If--, when they remove the flowers and the petals my memories of Mark will disappear with them. And, and I just can't do that. I just can't stand the thought of forgetting all about Mark even if it will kill me. I--, without those memories I'm not complete. If you had to get all your memories of Marzia removed just so you could live, would you do it?"

 

The silence on the other side of the phone was enough of an answer for Jack.

 

"I have accepted it, Felix. I'm okay, really." He might have told his friend the truth but he still didn't want Felix to worry about him.

 

"I can come over if you need me to? Like, I can be there tomorrow?" Felix offered.

 

"No, no. Just stay in the UK with Marzia. I'll be fine. Don't even worry about it," he said, a small smile on his lips, "But seriously, don't worry. I don't want you to worry. I told you and that's enough."

 

"You sure? I don't want you to be all alone when you're going through something like that. And I'm sure Marzia wouldn't mind me visiting you when you're going through a tough time."

 

"I really appreciate the thought but I am fine. You don't have to come," Jack said sternly, ignoring the part of him that desperately wanted Felix to be there, "But I have to go now, so talk to you later, okay?"

 

"Yeah, yeah, talk to you later," Felix said, "And, and take care, okay? You're my friend so I don't want you to suffer."

 

"Got it. Oh, and don't tell Mark about this. Don't even think about it," he ordered Felix.

 

"Don't worry, I won't," Felix replied.

 

"Promise?"

 

"Jesus Jack, are we in seventh grade?" Felix laughed, "Yes, promise. Talk to you later."

 

"Bye Felix. And thanks, thanks for listening to me."

 

"No problem," Felix said and then he hung up and Jack was alone once again; the silence of his room rushed over him. A sob escaped from his mouth and then he was crying, tears streaming down his face.

 

He just wanted someone to hug him, no, he wanted Mark to hug him, to tell him that everything would be alright. To tell him that he wasn't alone even though he was.

 

Jack looked at his phone which he was still clutching. He bit on his trembling lips, tempted to call Felix back and tell him that he had changed his mind, that he wanted him here after all. Felix wasn't Mark but he was Jack's friend and better than the emptiness of his house. But he didn't want to worry his friend, didn't want him to see Jack having one of the coughing fits, petals and flowers falling from his mouth.

 

Slowly, his hand shaking, he put down his phone and walked away from it.

 

"I'll be fine on my own," Jack told himself. "I'll be fine," he said, voice cracking; he wasn't sure if he believed himself.

 

~o0o~

 

Jack woke up surrounded by petals and he looked at them in disgust. The petals weren't from a coughing fit, that would've woken him up. He must have dreamed about Mark and mumbled his name in his sleep.

 

He was such a lovesick idiot that it was almost repulsive and he couldn't help but let out a short laugh. He was screwed but what else was new under the sun.

 

With his lips still curled in a joyless smile, he grabbed his phone to check the time. Jack guessed it was somewhere early in the morning. His sleeping cycle had always been terrible but since he had gotten hanahaki it had gone to hell even more.

 

Jack froze when he saw that he had gotten a voicemail.

Instinctively he knew that it was Mark. It could have been Felix or family or other friends but he just knew it wasn't. He swallowed as he tried to suppress his panic. Mark shouldn't try to contact him anymore, not after Jack had yelled at him. Everything should be over already.

 

Yet his phone proved him otherwise. He had a voicemail and it was from Mark.

 

He trembled, torn between wanting to hear Mark's voice and just throwing away his phone. He was scared, scared of what Mark would say. Scared of his determination breaking and ending up calling Mark back.

 

In the end he couldn't resist the temptation of hearing Mark's voice. Maybe it would make him feel better, less alone.

 

Jack closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath as the message started to play, preparing himself for the worst.

 

" _Hey Jack_ " Mark's voice slurred and Jack frowned, was Mark drunk? " _I'm, I'm just calling to--, to... I don't know._ "

 

Mark fell silent and Jack's heart felt like it was being squeezed. Mark sounded so hurt and the voicemail had only just started. Then Mark spoke again and Jack clenched his fists.

 

" _I guess, I guess I'm calling to apologize_ ," Mark's voice broke and Jack cringed, " _I don't know what I did wrong but it must have been something. You... you looked so hurt last time I saw you and I--, I hate to think that I caused you to look like that. I'm so worried. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for whatever I did to you. But please, Jack, call me, I--._ "

 

Mark stopped talking again and Jack heard a muffled sob and he felt like crying too. Mark was suffering, thought it was all his fault while he had done nothing wrong. Jack was the only one to blame, he had been the one who had fallen in love with Mark. It was him who had betrayed their friendship. It was him who had caused all this.

 

" _I miss you_ ," Mark's broken voice interrupted Jack's guilt only for it to come back tenfold, " _I really miss you, you're one of my best friends. I don't want to lose you and I--, I wanna fix whatever went wrong between us._ "

 

Mark went silent again and Jack felt tears rolling down his face, he had never meant to hurt Mark this much. He thought he had protected Mark. Thought that keeping him from the truth meant that he wouldn't get hurt yet he had gotten hurt anyways.

 

Then Mark spoke again, his voice wavering, and the words rang through Jack's head.

 

" _I'm so sorry,_ " and with that the voicemail ended. Self hatred washed over Jack and he felt like he had to vomit.

 

"I'm a terrible person," he sobbed, "I'm terrible. I'm sorry, Mark, I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to get hurt."

 

He was about to call Mark back when he started coughing. Flower after flower fell from his mouth as bolts of pain made his muscles spasm. Petals stuck to his face which was wet from crying.

 

With every cough his body shook with such force that Jack was afraid that the flowers were ripping him apart from within. He heaved, desperate to get air into his lungs but the flowers and petals just kept falling.

 

Black spots started to dance in front of his eyes and Jack wondered if he was dying already. He almost embraced it. The pain felt unbearable but then he saw Mark standing between the black dots, a smile on his face. His fingers twitched as if they wanted to reach out to the phantasm he saw in front of him but he couldn't, the coughing immobilized him.

 

Slowly the image of Mark started to fade and Jack desperately wanted to reach out and tell Mark that he hadn't done anything wrong, to not leave him. He grunted in between the coughs, unable to speak because of the waterfall of petals and flowers falling from his mouth.

 

With all the power he still had left in him he slowly managed to reach out to Mark. Then his power was gone. His arm fell at the feet of Mark, his fingertips going straight through the phantasm's feet and then it disappeared.

 

Jack cried out in panic and tried to crawl towards the place Mark had stood but the worst coughing fit he had ever experienced paralyzed him. For what felt like hours, he lay curled up on the ground, coughs ripping through him. Then they finally subsided and he felt like he could breath again. Jack lay there for a long time, the tears on his face drying up.

 

Finally, he got up and walked to his desk. Once Jack sat down, he pulled a piece of paper and a pen out of one of the drawers and started to write.

 

He was going to write Mark a letter.

 

~o0o~

 

In the end he had crumpled the letter and it lay abandoned where Jack had thrown it. Jack himself lay on the ground, unable to move as cough after cough washed over him.

 

By now he couldn't even cry anymore. He knew what was happening to him and there was nothing he could do anymore. He had reached stage three a few hours ago, he knew it would all end for him soon.

 

At least he hoped so. The pain, it hurt so much. That and the phantasms of Mark. Jack saw them everywhere. Right now there was one on his right. It looked down on him with a warm smile on his face and Jack felt a pang in his chest. It looked so real. Sometimes he thought it was real. That Mark was with him, smiling at him, that he was no longer alone.

 

Jack longed to see the real Mark but he knew he never would. He would die soon and the only ones that would be with him were the hallucinations. If he could, he would have laughed at his own miserable fate but the only thing that he could do was cough up flowers. So much flowers. The floor of his apartment was covered in a sea of them; he almost couldn't believe that they had all come out of him.

 

Suddenly, an extremely painful coughing fit overtook him. His vision started to spin and then slowly faded.

 

With a cough, petals flying in the air, he woke up.

 

"Jack! Jack open up!"  The loud voice had woken him up and he sluggishly realised that the voice was calling him.

 

"Mark?" He mumbled.

 

"Goddammit! Jack, open up!" The voice yelled.

 

_Mark!_ Jack tried to say but a coughing fit made it impossible to speak.

 

A phantasm appeared next to him and looked at the door. Mark, Mark is there, he realised and his heart started beating a little faster. He didn't have to die without seeing Mark ever again after all. Mark was here and he could see him.

 

"Jack!" The yell was accompanied by loud pounding. Mark was banging on his door, hoping that Jack would open it soon.

 

He had to get to Mark. Even if it would be the last thing he would do, he had to get to Mark.

 

All Jack wanted was to see the man he loved one more time before he died.

 

With all his might he heaved himself up, his arms trembling as he braced himself against the wall. He already felt exhausted but he was still standing and that alone filled with hope.

 

Slowly, so slowly, he stumbled towards the door which seemed half a world away but Jack wouldn't give up, he would get there. His legs shook, his knees almost buckling; yet he continued forward, his eyes trained on his goal.

 

"Mark," he whispered and promptly a coughing fit overtook him. It felt as if he was coughing up his lungs instead of flowers. If Jack had looked down, if he hadn't been so focused on the door, he would have seen the small droplets of red clinging to the petals as they fell. But he didn't, instead he did everything he could to keep standing. Jack knew that if he would fall down he would never get to the door.

 

"Jack!" The voice called again and it filled Jack with determination. He would see Mark's face one last time.

 

He stumbled forward and he finally, finally made it to the door. With shaking hands he opened the door and threw it wide open.

 

"Mark!" Jack gasped as he swayed forward, not seeing the blonde hair and blue eyes of his friend who was standing in front of him. He staggered, stumbled over his own feet and suddenly he was falling.

 

"Jack!" Felix screamed, his voice high pitched with panic as he surged forward to catch him.

 

But Jack didn't hear nor see Felix, his eyes were searching for Mark.

 

"Mark?" he asked, his voice childlike with petals falling from his mouth.

 

Felix face contorted in horror and worry when he saw Jack's glazed eyes look right through him.

 

"Jack, Mark, he--, Mark isn't here. It's me, Felix," his voice wavered, "don't you, don't you recognize me?"

 

"Mark?" Jack asked again, becoming desperate as he felt another coughing fit coming. Then he spotted Mark from the corner of his eyes and he smiled, or at least he tried to.

 

"Mark!" He exclaimed, his hand clawing at the air, trying to get a grip on Mark.

 

"Jack, what are you talking about? There, there," Felix's voice broke and tears ran down his face, "there is no one else besides me. I'm the only one here."

 

Jack still didn't hear him, his eyes trained on the phantasm that was staring back at him. He finally saw Mark, but there seemed something off about him. Why wasn't Mark smiling? Hadn't he come all this way to see Mark smile?

 

He made a desperate noise and started to thrash in Felix's arms who clutched him to his chest, tears streaming down his face.

 

"Mark," he gasped, his coughing fit coming down on him. "Mark, I love you," he rasped and finally the phantasm smiled. Relief washed over Jack and he felt all his strength leave his body. Weakly, he smiled back at Mark and then a cough forced him to double over, his whole body tensing as the pain hit him.

 

A storm of orange and pink flowers covered in blood exploded out of his mouth. A few of them landed on Felix's face, the colours making a stark contrast with his pale skin.

 

"Jack, hold on!" He cried in a panic, "I'll get you to the hospital, they--, they can still save you. There is still time."

 

With ease he lifted Jack up, he was only skin and bones now, and Jack's arm fell limp next to his body.

 

Suddenly, Felix noticed that Jack had gone silent, that the coughing had stopped. There were no more flowers.

 

In horror he slowly looked up into Jack's eyes only to see nothing there.

 

Jack was gone. He was gone forever.

 

With a sob Felix fell on his knees, embraced the body of his friend and cried.

 

~o0o~

 

With careful steps Mark walked into the graveyard, bracing himself for what he was about to face. He had to force his feet to take every step and the closer he got to his destination the more he started to shake. He didn’t want to be here, wished it wasn’t real but it was. It was so very real. It was a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.

 

Finally he arrived at the new grave and he looked down on the gravestone with the name _Seán William McLoughlin_ freshly engraved in the marble.

 

Mark still couldn’t believe that Jack was dead. Couldn’t believe that he had to say goodbye now. It didn’t feel real, he didn’t want it to feel real.

 

But here he was, after the funeral, Jack’s family long gone.

 

Maybe he should have had a feeling of goodbye at the funeral. Maybe he should have walked up to Jack’s body lying in it’s coffin and muttered a few words of farewell and then that would have been that.

 

But he hadn’t been able to do it. He could barely glance at Jack and every glance he got was unbearable. Jack didn’t look like Jack, what was lying in that coffin wasn’t Jack. It was too thin, too pale, too silent. It was everything Jack wasn’t.

 

And the funeral, the funeral. It had been hell filled with mind numbing pain. Jack’s mother and brother had given speeches. Had talked about their dear memories of Jack and how much they loved him. How much they would miss him. Mark had barely heard any of it. Whatever he did pick up felt like a knife getting twisted in his heart and he would wish that he hadn’t heard it.

 

They, Jack’s family, had even asked him if he wanted to say something at Jack’s funeral too because they knew Mark was Jack's best friend, Jack had often talked about him, they told Mark.

 

Their words felt like fire, burning fire intent on destroying him. He was Jack's best friend. Jack had often talked about him. Friends. Best friends. Yes, that was what they had been until Mark had fucked it all up and now Jack was dead.

 

Jack was dead and Mark stood in front of his grave and he could no longer avoid it.

 

He had to say goodbye.

 

To his surprise he felt the corners of his eyes fill with tears. He had cried so much in the last few days that he thought he didn’t have any left in him anymore.

 

“Jack,” he said, his whole body trembling, “Jack, I’m sorry, I--,”

 

“Mark?”

 

A voice interrupted him and Mark didn’t know if he was happy that his goodbye was postponed or that he should be angry because he had finally been able to speak.

He wiped his tears away and turned around.

 

In front of him stood Felix. He looked exhausted, his eyes red from crying and he had dark bags from a lack of sleep under them. It was like looking in a mirror.

 

“Oh, hey Felix,” he said with a forced smile.

 

“Are you--,” Felix started but then he looked down at the flowers Mark was holding and his expression shifted from exhausted and empty to hatred and anger.

 

“What are those flowers?” He hissed so viciously that Mark subconsciously took a step back.

 

“They’re chrysanthemums. In Korea they represent grief,” he explained as he held up the flowers, beautiful pink and orange flowers with oblong shaped petals, “I wanted to put them on Jack’s grave.”  

 

"Are you kidding me?" Felix said, his stare still fixated on the flowers, "are you fucking kidding me?"

 

“Felix… Why are you so angry?” Mark asked, not understanding why his friend was so mad. What was wrong with these flowers?

 

Felix’s gaze snapped back to Mark’s face and Mark had never seen his friend this furious. All his exhaustion was gone, hatred burned in his eyes.

 

Something in Felix seemed to snap as he closed the gap between them and grabbed the collar of Mark’s suit.

 

“Feli--,” Mark tried, trying to find words that would calm his friend down but Felix didn’t give him the time.

 

“Do you really not know what these fucking flowers are?” Felix yelled, “Do you really not know how Jack died?”

 

“I don’t know what you mean--,” he tried but his words only seemed to enrage Felix more.

“He died for you! YOU KILLED HIM!” Felix spat. Both of them fell silent, Felix heaving with anger and Mark too shocked to say anything.

 

The silence stretched between them until Mark finally managed to find his words again.

 

“What, what do you mean, I killed him?” He stammered, a feeling of premonition washing over him, sending a shiver down his spine.

 

"So you really know nothing," Felix snarled, "You really don't fucking know how Jack died."

 

With frantic movements Felix digged up a crumbled piece of paper from one of his pockets and shoved it against Mark’s chest.

"Here, have this. I found this in Jack's room after he died in my fucking arms. Now you'll know the truth," he hissed, his face twisted in disgust.

 

Finally, Felix let go of him and he shot Mark one last glare before storming out of the graveyard. He left a stunned Mark behind who was too confused and shocked to call his friend back, to demand an explanation. Instead his mind was busy with Felix's words, repeating them over and over as he stood there alone next to Jack’s grave.

 

Unwittingly, Mark clenched his hands and as he became aware of the paper pressing against his skin, he returned to his body. With shaking hands he looked at the paper; the moment he saw the first words all the air was forced out of his lungs.

 

He recognized this handwriting. This letter, it was from Jack.

 

_Mark, I’m sorry._

 

His breathing became ragged as he read that first sentence, trying to think of what it could mean.

 

Suddenly a thought struck him like lightning and it felt as if his world started to fall apart.

It couldn’t be. But maybe. No, it couldn’t be. Jack couldn’t have committed suicide.

 

But maybe he did, a small voice whispered in his head, maybe he did.

 

Now that Mark started to think about it, it seemed more and more like a realistic possibility. Jack’s family hadn’t told anyone what had caused Jack’s death. They had kept it a secret. Sometimes he saw family members stand close together and whisper. Whenever that happened they were talking about Jack’s death, Mark just knew that. It wasn’t impossible.

 

Felix told him that he had killed Jack. Could, could it be that Mark had somehow caused Jack's death? Could it be that the mistake he had made had driven Jack to commit suicide?

 

He knew that he had fucked up, that he had made a mistake. But could it really have been so terrible that Jack had chosen to end his own life?

 

No.

 

No!  

 

He had nothing to do with Jack’s death.

 

But maybe you did, that voice whispered again and Mark felt like screaming. He looked down at the letter and felt a flicker of hope. This letter, it would prove that he was wrong, that he was just being paranoid. It would make everything alright again.

 

With his hands shaking so much that it looked as if the letters were dancing, he started reading.

 

_Mark, I'm sorry._

 

_I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you the truth. I never meant for this to happen. I really didn't. I wish I could have stayed your friend forever but it doesn't seem like that is gonna happen now._

 

_Mark, I love you. Mark, I am dying._

 

_I wish I could say these words to you face to face but I can't. I won't. They will hurt you too much._

 

_I am in love with you, so much. You're beautiful, perfect, radiant. You're my friend. But I also love you. And you can't love me back. And that's okay. I still love you even if you can't love me back._

_But it is also killing me. These flowers, they spill out of me because I love you. They are killing me because I love you._

 

_I love you so much._

 

_I'm sorry._

 

_It hurts so much. Everytime I cough up the flowers and the petals it feels like I'm being torn apart._

 

_I realised I was in love with you after our movie night. I woke up next to you and you, your face, were only inches away from me. You were so beautiful._

 

_I wish that could be my last memory of you. So beautiful, so peaceful. Everything was still alright then._

 

_But it isn't. My last memory of you will be our fight. How I yelled at you just because you cared. I was so scared, Mark. So scared._

 

_I didn't want you to find out. I never want you to find out. I don't know why I am writing this letter. I hope you will never see it. But it helps. It helps a lot. Makes the pain a bit easier to bear._

 

_I'm sorry for hurting you. You were, are, my best friend and I betrayed you. I fell in love with you._

 

_I could still be saved, y'know? I could get an operation and get these flowers out of my body. But I can't do that. I just can't._

 

_If I do I will forget you. I won't remember you anymore. Won't remember all the thing we did together, all the things we talked about._

 

_I can't forget that._

 

_I love you too much for that._

 

_To you this must sound so stupid. I'm just a lovesick idiot in love with an aromantic, you can never love me back the way I love you. But god, I wish things could be different. I wish this disease didn't exist. Then I could spend the rest of my days being in love with you and it wouldn't hurt._

 

_It wouldn't hurt._

 

_I'm sorry. I love you._

 

_I wish I could see you one more time._

 

_Goodbye,_

 

_Jack._

 

The last sentences of the letter were blotted by tears and Mark's own tears fell next to them. His fingers twitched and the flowers fell out of his hand onto the ground.

 

Mark followed soon after, his knees buckling underneath him. He barely even noticed the cold and hard ground as he hit it.

 

Hanahaki.

 

It was so much worse than he had thought.

 

Jack had been in love with him. His love for Mark had killed him.

 

The sudden urge to vomit overcame Mark but he forced it back. He would not vomit on Jack’s grave. He had already done enough.

 

“Why,” he sobbed, “why didn’t you get the surgery? Why did you think your love for me was more important than your life? You idiot!”

 

Now he understood Felix’s anger. Now he understood. He would’ve gotten angry too. He was angry.

 

He hated himself.

 

He had killed his best friend. Jack was dead because of him. Jack had suffered so much. He had done it to protect Mark. He had done it all alone.

 

A shudder went through Mark and suddenly his fingers were clawing at the soil of Jack’s grave as if they wanted to dig him up. He wanted to shake Jack, ask what he was thinking, demand an explanation but it was already too late. Jack was gone. And it was his fault.

 

Suddenly he saw the flowers through his tears and he started ripping them apart. It was all their fault, they were what had killed Jack.

 

But that was a lie. They hadn’t. He had.

 

Mark shuddered and he tried to breathe but his lungs were burning.

 

"Jack. Jack, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't love you back. I--," he cried, his voice breaking, "I wish I could have. I wish I could have saved you. And the worst thing is... the worst thing is that if I wasn't aromantic I could have loved you. I know I would have. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

 

He cried and sobbed for hours, every cry and sob feeling like it ripped him apart. Maybe they did, Mark didn’t feel whole anymore. He was empty, empty, empty.

 

Then his tears dried up and his voice was gone, his world had fallen apart. Silence surrounded Mark and there he was, sitting on his knees in front of Jack’s grave, his best friend who he had killed. He felt cold to the bone.

 

Mark had killed Jack and he would have to live with that burden for the rest of his life.

 

He didn’t know if he could.

**_~THE END~_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this fic even tho it was so angst filled (or maybe that's why you enjoyed it)! I had so much fun writing this and I've never been more proud of a fanfic so I really hope you guys liked it.
> 
> Also I hope you guys liked Hanahaki AU, it's not an often used but damn, do I love it. It's so beautiful and painful... hopefully I'll be able to write more Hanahaki fics in the future because I really like this AU :3
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of Filled With Flowers in the comments or hit me up on tumblr @aromarkiplier!
> 
> (Also a big thank you to my tumblr friends johnsilvcr and hartsumbrella, they helped me edit this and I'm so thankful <3)


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